Well. It's over. The end of an era. I have been imagining the day for at least the last 25 years.
We sat in the church and I did not look at the coffin. It was nothing to do with the Nanna that I knew and loved. It was somehow foreign. I sat and listened and laughed at the eulogy. It was quite funny. It was beautifully written. The only place I thought I was really going to lose it was when they read My Grandmother's Hands. A simple poem I had penned years before to go in one of my scrapbook albums. But, I held it together. I reminded myself that this is not her....... I have many wonderful memories that are her.... not this...... not this freezing cold church.
::It was strange::
Outside the church we all stood around. We had been told that there would be a private cremation. I was talking to a cousin when suddenly we noticed that processing out of the long driveway was the three clergy, two dressed in white and one dressed in black stepping slowly in front of the hearse as it crept along the long driveway out into the street.
Did anyone even notice that she was sneaking away silently ? We stood there and watched, but didn't say anything to each other. That is the way she wanted it. She would step away slowly, privately, unnoticed and without any fuss.
Driving the seven hours back home I was surprised that I wasn't sadder. Truth is we were all so sick, too sick really to even have ventured so far.
All the way home I thought that when I knew she had decided to go, I would never be able to write another word on A Vision Splendid, nothing more about my Grandmother's ways. But when she died I felt stronger than ever that I had a duty to capture all the good things about her and craft them into my own life to make me a better person and to empower the lives of others.
But..... all in good time.
At present I am sick...... we are all sick. We are slow and steady. Even though i am not 'sad' as such, I think it is part of the realisation and the mourning.
I go about my tasks very slowly...... methodically....... I haven't been anywhere, or spoken to anyone. I am practicing a little self preservation because, as my sister told me... the cogs of life have turned. I feel as thought we have all stepped up one place in the generations. My children have become who I was, I am now my mother and my mother steps fully into her role as Grandmother. The wheels of life turn.
So, for as long as required, I am going slow. I am surrounding my self in nurture - wherever I may find it. So far I have found comfort in lovely meals, hot baths and of course...... coloured paper. I have been making some beautiful cards.... there is something very healing about cutting out a perfectly stamped pink flower.
So...... for now......... I take things as slowly as required.
We sat in the church and I did not look at the coffin. It was nothing to do with the Nanna that I knew and loved. It was somehow foreign. I sat and listened and laughed at the eulogy. It was quite funny. It was beautifully written. The only place I thought I was really going to lose it was when they read My Grandmother's Hands. A simple poem I had penned years before to go in one of my scrapbook albums. But, I held it together. I reminded myself that this is not her....... I have many wonderful memories that are her.... not this...... not this freezing cold church.
::It was strange::
Outside the church we all stood around. We had been told that there would be a private cremation. I was talking to a cousin when suddenly we noticed that processing out of the long driveway was the three clergy, two dressed in white and one dressed in black stepping slowly in front of the hearse as it crept along the long driveway out into the street.
Did anyone even notice that she was sneaking away silently ? We stood there and watched, but didn't say anything to each other. That is the way she wanted it. She would step away slowly, privately, unnoticed and without any fuss.
Driving the seven hours back home I was surprised that I wasn't sadder. Truth is we were all so sick, too sick really to even have ventured so far.
All the way home I thought that when I knew she had decided to go, I would never be able to write another word on A Vision Splendid, nothing more about my Grandmother's ways. But when she died I felt stronger than ever that I had a duty to capture all the good things about her and craft them into my own life to make me a better person and to empower the lives of others.
But..... all in good time.
At present I am sick...... we are all sick. We are slow and steady. Even though i am not 'sad' as such, I think it is part of the realisation and the mourning.
I go about my tasks very slowly...... methodically....... I haven't been anywhere, or spoken to anyone. I am practicing a little self preservation because, as my sister told me... the cogs of life have turned. I feel as thought we have all stepped up one place in the generations. My children have become who I was, I am now my mother and my mother steps fully into her role as Grandmother. The wheels of life turn.
So, for as long as required, I am going slow. I am surrounding my self in nurture - wherever I may find it. So far I have found comfort in lovely meals, hot baths and of course...... coloured paper. I have been making some beautiful cards.... there is something very healing about cutting out a perfectly stamped pink flower.
So...... for now......... I take things as slowly as required.
